There’s far too much division in the “Big C” Church today! We’ve divided on a multitude of issues such as same-sex marriage, women in ministry, power-grabbing pastors, baptism (infants vs. adults), etc. Polarization has become an all too common experience inside the Church. Unfortunately, the Church has begun to mimic the divide we see in America outside the Church relating to such things as politics.

The recent divide in the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) is just one example of what I would argue is a great divide that is likely to continue not only in the SBC, but within many denominations around the world.

Division can be a good thing if it’s caused by the truth. Truth should divide and unite. However, it seems like division begins before Christians attempt to have a civil conversation to discuss what may or may not be the truth. If we are unwilling to talk, division is all but a forgone conclusion.

So, the question becomes – how can we have more loving conversations to better understand the truth and demonstrate our love for one another as disciples of Christ?

By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

Jesus, John 13:35

Preston Sprinkle, in his latest podcast, offers some tactics to have what he refers to as “fruitful” conversations. Fruitful is a good way of describing these conversations that should exemplify the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), which includes:

• Love
• Joy
• Peace
• Patience
• Goodness
• Kindness
• Faithfulness
• Gentlemen
• Self-Control

Before we get into the seven ways to have better conversations, which could be in person and / or online, I would offer some simple advice on how to preface these discussions.

Always start with your goal, which should be seeking the truth wherever it may lead. By centering on finding the truth it helps remove, or at least minimize, individual personalities from the conversation.

1. Be willing to rethink your point of view.

Be willing to be wrong about your beliefs. When you’re talking with someone often your goal is to convince them to change their mind about a topic. If you’re not willing to change your own mind why should you think others should change their minds?

A question apologist Frank Turek often asks those who question what he believes is, “If Christianity is true would you become a Christian?” If the answer is “no” don’t waste your time talking with them because if they’re not willing to accept truth why are they asking questions?

The same can be true for you as a Christian. I would say “yes” to anyone who asks me, for example, “If Islam is true would you become a Muslim?” Yes, of course I would. However, I would respond with several points as to why I don’t believe Islam is true such as Surah 4:157, which states Jesus did not die on the cross, despite significant evidence both from biblical and non-biblical sources that state Jesus did die on the cross.

2. Be a genuinely curious person.

A great question to start with is, “Why do you hold this viewpoint?” We need to first seek to understand before being understood. When you show genuine interest in why someone believes what they believe you show genuine caring for them and not just a focus on changing their mind.

This is also helpful in uncovering what could be fallacies about what they believe that you can use to convince them otherwise or how your point of view may be incorrect.

For example, if you’re discussing same-sex relationships and the person you are talking with doesn’t believe Scripture says these relationships are sinful, asking why they believe that it is true puts the burden of proof on them, where it should be, but also shows you genuinely want to understand why they think it’s true.

3. Be a genuine listener.

The most effective way to get others to open their mind is to get them to listen. Giving advice is hard. Listening is easy. Listening is disarming. It shows you are trying to understand before you refute.

Listening requires very little effort on your part except to open your ears and do it. However, it can be challenging once you hear something you disagree with. We want to respond as soon as we hear something we believe is false come out of the other person’s mouth, but keeping your mouth closed and your ears open helps you better understand their point of view to better respond once they finish explaining their position.

If you struggle to control your tongue consider writing down what you’re thinking as you listen to help in responding later, but let them know that’s what you’re doing so they understand your genuineness to understand by taking notes.

4. Ask good and honest questions.

Instead of trying to “straw man” someone else’s argument, “steel man” their argument. In other words, represent the other person in the best possible light and then see if their viewpoint is incorrect. It’s easy to destroy a weak argument, and this shows a lack of respect for the other person and does little to aid your effort to change their mind. Asking good and honest questions can help create and challenge their steel man argument.

When you look at their viewpoint from the strongest perspective it can also help you determine what weaknesses exist in your own view. If you can refute their strongest argument you’re on your way to shifting their mind. However, if you can’t refute their steel man argument it may be time to change your mind or do more research.

5. Find some point of agreement to work from.

When you find something to agree on it helps let the guard down of the other person. It also shows you’re willing to change your view. Finding points of agreement doesn’t mean you agree with their entire viewpoint. It will, however, build trust between both of you by showing you’re focused on finding the truth, not just winning an argument.

6. Understand the power of belonging.

We all have communities or “tribes” we belong to. What would the consequences be if the person you’re talking with suddenly agrees with you? What would this do to their community? Would they have to “go into the closet” about their changed belief? How would this affect them?

These are all questions to consider that we often overlook. Think about it from your perspective. What if someone were able to change your mind about abortion and you suddenly went from being pro-life to pro-choice?

Now take it a step further and suppose you play a key role in a ministry focused on a pro-life position. How would it affect you and your relationships with those in your ministry? This is something we often don’t think about as we discuss contentious topics with others, but if they change positions we have to be willing to consider how it will affect them personally in the relationships they have with family and friends.

7. Don’t be overly confident.

Overconfidence looks like arrogance and it demonstrates you’re not willing to truly seek after the truth, especially if it’s contrary to your current viewpoint. There’s nothing wrong with being humbly confident, but overconfidence leads to pride.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Proverbs 11:2

Focus on finding the truth!

I have to admit it feels good to outwit another person and win an argument. My sinful nature to show others how I’m more “intelligent” than they are is a challenge to overcome at times, especially on topics I’m passionate about. My need to win can often overpower my desire to seek truth. Can you relate? I’ll bet you can.

A prayer to overcome this temptation you may find helpful is:

Father, let me see this person as you see them; let my heart be more like your holy heart and not my sinful, pride-filled heart; let understanding, believing, and living out your truth be the goal for this conversation, not my desire to outsmart them for my own personal gain. Amen.

Let this too be your prayer as you seek to have more fruitful conversations that lead to the Truth.